Monday, January 23, 2012

Musings of a Fat Girl

My mother informed me that my blog is boring. That perhaps I should write about my feelings or things that are funny. She told me to write about how I feel when I see a cute boy and know he won’t like me… Ummmm?? Gee, thanks mom. I actually found that statement funny, not insulting (because I know she didn’t say it to be mean, she has quite the talent for that, I’ve learned over the years not to let it bother me). I decided to write about that though, how I feel when I see a cute boy.

I have liked boys since preschool, maybe even before. I get made fun of for being boy crazy because I think most people are attractive. I don’t think this is a bad thing, I can just see the good qualities in people and that makes them attractive (nothing wrong with enjoying some eye candy). But I don’t like people often. That takes effort. An effort I haven’t been putting in for years. Why? Because with weight gain you lose your confidence, you just do. You wear sweatshirts because they hide your fat rolls. You refrain from eating in public because you don’t want to see the accusation in the eyes around you... “should you really be eating that? Maybe you should get a salad and then go to the gym”. You don’t like talking to people, especially people who knew you when you were thinner because you know the first thing they are going to say when you leave is “wow, she looks really bad. She gained a LOT of weight”. You don’t like big groups; you’d rather melt into the background, keep quiet, keep hidden (as if you can hide when you’re the biggest person in the room). So having those feelings, no, I don’t date. I don’t even think about dating. Why would I want someone to date me when I wouldn’t even date myself? So Mother, here is my answer: when I see a cute boy, other than noticing he is attractive, I feel nothing. I don’t get my feelings hurt, I don’t feel bad. It is what it is. HOWEVER, even though I just started this “journey” to living a healthy life, I feel better. I feel more confident (more than I have in years), and it is just going to keep getting better. I am excited about this.

One last thing to my dear, sweet Mother (no sarcasm intended), I would like to point out the top of my blog clearly states that this blog is intended for MY benefit, not the readers…

Note: My favorite church skirt no longer fits me… it is WAY too big! :o)

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