Fooooood!

The last two weeks of working out has been a bust. Last week I was sick the first part of the week so I only worked out 3 days last week. And this week I ended up having to go in for an emergency dental appointment and only was able to workout on Monday so far. However, with the dental visit I haven’t been able to eat since Tuesday morning at breakfast. I’ve been living off of Light & Fit Vanilla Yogurt (only 80 calories, so I am averaging 240 calories a day this week). I am hungry! But I guess since I haven’t been exercising, consuming an extremely low amount of calories works.

I have family coming into town for the weekend. We are going to have a family day at Disneyland tomorrow, so at least I will be doing a ton of walking. BUT I will also be at Disneyland where they have the world’s best churros and those chocolate covered vanilla ice cream Mickey Mouse heads! Plus it is my Nephews birthday and I know there is going to be some yummy food in my house this weekend. I am in trouble! I’m going to need some serious self control. Especially since my first weigh in is on Tuesday! I am worried that I am going to step on the scale, see that I've only lost 5 pounds and get discouraged (it better be way more than 5 pounds! I am hoping for closer to 20. Is that unrealistic?).

I wish I was one of those girls that can eat whatever they want and not gain weight. I wonder what they had to do in the previous life to be given such a gift…

Musings of a Fat Girl

My mother informed me that my blog is boring. That perhaps I should write about my feelings or things that are funny. She told me to write about how I feel when I see a cute boy and know he won’t like me… Ummmm?? Gee, thanks mom. I actually found that statement funny, not insulting (because I know she didn’t say it to be mean, she has quite the talent for that, I’ve learned over the years not to let it bother me). I decided to write about that though, how I feel when I see a cute boy.

I have liked boys since preschool, maybe even before. I get made fun of for being boy crazy because I think most people are attractive. I don’t think this is a bad thing, I can just see the good qualities in people and that makes them attractive (nothing wrong with enjoying some eye candy). But I don’t like people often. That takes effort. An effort I haven’t been putting in for years. Why? Because with weight gain you lose your confidence, you just do. You wear sweatshirts because they hide your fat rolls. You refrain from eating in public because you don’t want to see the accusation in the eyes around you... “should you really be eating that? Maybe you should get a salad and then go to the gym”. You don’t like talking to people, especially people who knew you when you were thinner because you know the first thing they are going to say when you leave is “wow, she looks really bad. She gained a LOT of weight”. You don’t like big groups; you’d rather melt into the background, keep quiet, keep hidden (as if you can hide when you’re the biggest person in the room). So having those feelings, no, I don’t date. I don’t even think about dating. Why would I want someone to date me when I wouldn’t even date myself? So Mother, here is my answer: when I see a cute boy, other than noticing he is attractive, I feel nothing. I don’t get my feelings hurt, I don’t feel bad. It is what it is. HOWEVER, even though I just started this “journey” to living a healthy life, I feel better. I feel more confident (more than I have in years), and it is just going to keep getting better. I am excited about this.

One last thing to my dear, sweet Mother (no sarcasm intended), I would like to point out the top of my blog clearly states that this blog is intended for MY benefit, not the readers…

Note: My favorite church skirt no longer fits me… it is WAY too big! :o)

Days 16 & 17

I am SORE today! I’ve been working on that Chin Dip Leg Raise Station (I love that name) and oh my gosh it hurts!! The one I bought is built for a big strong man, not a wimpy little girl. The one at the women’s gym is so much easier to use! This machine is killing my arms, not my abs. After using it for a few days though, I was finally able to hold the handles the proper way last night and do some leg lifts (not many though, I have absolutely no upper body strength!). But I will just keep using it and building up my endurance.

I increased my 2 miles to 3 miles last night. The extra mile didn’t bother me one bit. So tonight I am going to increase the 3 to 5. A few years ago my mother and I would do 5 miles almost everyday, of course that is when we were both on a gnarly diet pill that gave us a ton of energy. – Speaking of diet pills or diet drinks or any type of drug advertised to lose weight, I think it is a crock. Yes, those things may help you, but once you stop taking it, then what? Your appetite comes back your energy levels go back down and you get fat again (trust me, I’ve used my fair share of diet pills over the years). I’ve decided that the only way to lose weight and actually keep it off is hard work. You have to change your life style. Healthy food and exercise have to have a permanent residence in your life (this is my new outlook).

I’m still doing great with my eating, I haven’t cheated once! However, today I am struggling. My boss brought in donuts. Delicious old fashioned donuts, I want one! They smell so good! I keep going in the kitchen just to smell them. My Uncle Darrin’s sister KariAnn used to chew fattening food (just to get the taste) but then spit it out so she doesn’t get the calories. I always thought that was weird. However, I am seriously contemplating putting that into practice today… BUT I won’t. Having the donut taste is not as important to me as losing weight, so I am going to stay away. The smell will have to do. It’s such sweet torture!!

Slacker

I have had a really hard time this week keeping up with my blog. In fact, the hardest part about this whole diet and exercise thing has actually been blogging about it. At the end of the day I never feel like sitting down at the computer and writing about my day (I was never a big journal writer when I was young, unless there was a boy that I wanted to write about and then I could write 10 pages dissecting the way he said hello to me that morning). But in order for me to be successful at changing my life around, I think I need to keep the blog up. It is like an insurance policy keeping me on task.

Days 10 through 15 I stayed on task. I dieted, I exercised (well I was sick for a few of those days and opted to rest instead of exercise). But I am doing well. I am proud of myself (so far anyway).

I am really excited today. This morning I put on a pair of jeans that I haven’t been able to button up, and today they fit!! And not just that I can button them but not wear them (you know those pants that you can force the button closed but your stomach fat folds over the top so you still can’t wear them?) they are wearable! No fat hanging over the top! :o) It’s good to see progress. It makes me want to work harder. This is good.

Day 10 - Meh

I haven't felt well today. I woke up feeling tired and lethargic, and that lasted all day. I decided mid day that I wasn't going to workout today, I rationalized that I didn't feel 100% so I could take a break. I was excited about this decision. Buuuuutttt, by the time I got home from work, I decided that I needed to do something, anything to get a little bit of exercise. So I sucked it up and did my 2 miles. I didn't do anything else tonight, but hey, 2 miles is better than nothing.

Now that I've done some exercise and ate my fill of veggies for dinner (kept my eating healthy and low cal all day), I am getting in bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day (and a more exciting post!).

Day 9 - Foooooood!

I was HUNGRY today! I wanted to eat all day long. I fought it, and only had my planned meals (all healthy and low cal). This is the first time since I started this that I felt hungry, hopefully tomorrow will be normal.

I went for a power-walk tonight by myself. With no iPod. Just me and the pavement. The night was quiet and still. I liked it. It was peaceful (can something be peaceful when your muscles hurt, you're sweating like a pig, and you're breathing hard??). It was a nice end to my hectic workday.

I created something for dinner tonight that I am in love with! It is a play on Huevos Rancheros. I cooked red and green bell peppers in green enchilada sauce (did you know that green enchilada sauce has nothing bad in it? It has NO sugar and is way low cal. I was very excited to learn that!) and after they cooked for a while, I drained a can of black beans and put those in the pot as well. Then I scrambled some eggs (flavored with salt, pepper, and a little garlic powder). I put it all in a bowl and topped it with some chopped cilantro. MMMMMMMM! It was like a party in my mouth! It hit the spot for sure. I like that I am finding yummy meals that are low cal, it makes this whole thing easier!

Day 8 - Tuesday to Tuesday

It has been an entire week of this. I can gladly report that I have not cheated once and that I am getting in the habit of knowing when I come home from work, I will be exercising. It's been a good week. I am tempted to do a weigh in and check my progress, but I think it is better to do a monthly weigh in. I don't want to get discouraged if I've only lost a pound or two in the last week (and that would be discouraging!).

I did well on my eating today (like I said, no cheating for me). But I did WANT to cheat today. My assistant at work was eating Wheat Thins (yum) with a can of EZ Cheese American flavor (mmmmm, EZ Cheese). I wanted one... really, really wanted one. But I went in my office, shut the door and guzzled some water. Luckily the craving went away after that.

I did the Wii Fit again tonight. And once again I was drenched in sweat (it looked like I dunked my hair in water... yuck). It's a good workout for me. I think I will try to do a power-walk first tomorrow night and then come home and do the Fit or maybe some kettle ball or band exercises (I need to mix it up).

I know it has only been a week, but I am really excited for the direction I am moving in. This is going to be good. :-)

Day 7

Today I had an interesting discovery. I was leaving for work and I had this overwhelming desire to go for a run. I WANTED to exercise. It was so pretty outside and my body felt like it needed to do something. Which is odd because I hate exercising, hate it! I've never understood marathon runners, running is not fun. The only time running has ever been a good idea to me is when someone is chasing you. Or if it is in a sport, because then it is a game, games are fun. But today I wanted to! This is a good sign for me. Of course by the end of the day I didn't want to do anything but get in bed and read. However, I came home, set up the wii fit for the first time and "played" a Biggest Loser "game"; it was brutal! I was dying after the 7 minute warm up! By the end of my whole body workout level, I was drenched in sweat, it was just pouring off of me. It was gross; it was great. The Wii Fit definitely kicks butt (I was a little surprised at how much).

Again, I did really good on my eating today. I made some broccoli to go with our dinner tonight, and it was delicious! Broccoli! Without cheese or ranch dressing! I like that my body is starting to want these foods, it makes eating them soooo much better.

I think this is actually going to work! :o)

Side Note: If anyone is eating Lean Cuisines, I recommend staying away from the Baked Chicken. I had it for lunch today, it was terrible! Though that's the first one I haven't liked.

Days 4, 5, AND 6 - I Made It!

For me the weekend is the hardest time to stay on track. I am tired after the work week, going out to eat is a social entertainment so to speak, and I always want sweets, always! BUT this weekend I made it through (though there were a few close calls...)

Friday, Day 4:

Friday was the worst day for me trying to stay on the diet. I did great with breakfast and lunch but I didn't have time to make something for dinner before I rushed off to the hockey game. During the entire game I was starving! It didn't help that everyone around me was eating big bags of popcorn and hot dogs and nachos with all the fixings. And of course the arena had nothing to offer that was in the least bit nutritious, so I went hungry. Then after the game my friend wanted to go eat... UGH! I wanted to, I really did. In fact I thought about it the entire way home. I had this big struggle in my mind. I even told myself that I could just leave it out of the blog, no body would know that I cheated. But in the end I decided that for this to work, I have to be 100% honest and therefore turned down the invitation to go get some tacos (mmm, glorious tacos!). So once again, feeling like I am accountable to someone, has helped me stay on track.

Saturday, Day 5:

Ah, Saturday. Saturday was a busy, busy day. My alarm went off at 7:30, I got up, got dressed and did a series of stretches. My friend came over and we went down to a beach trail to power-walk. It was actually really nice, we decided that we are going to do this every Saturday morning. I'm generally not a fan of morning workouts, but this was a really great way to start the day!! Unfortunately the day went down hill after that. I came home, showered and had to take my sick dog to the vet. Then I ran all over town doing my errands so that I wouldn't have any to do during the work week and can just come home and exercise (I have to stay on the schedule I am setting for myself or I will fail). I finished my errands, picked up my dog ($500 later!), and came home and made salmon (Albertson's was having a killer deal on Salmon, $3/pound! I stocked up) and a green salad for dinner (I make a mean salmon and some pretty tasty salad dressing, if you want the recipe, I will include it at the bottom). I wanted to do a double workout but I was pooped after my day and decided one workout was enough. I ran into a snag later in the evening when I was watching a movie. I wanted to eat! I wasn't hungry, but I wanted to eat while I watched the movie. I didn't though. I chugged a bunch of water and told myself that I don't need food unless I am hungry, and it worked for me.

Sunday, Day 6:

Sundays will always be my non workout days. It is the Sabbath and working out doesn't fall under an acceptable category on Sunday for me. Today was the day that I was most worried about my eating. Sundays are really hard for me. I want to eat all day long every week! I surprised myself, I did pretty good on my eating. I did eat a little more today, but they were all healthy choices so I am not upset with myself. Although I am still fighting the urge to go eat a skinny cow ice cream (those are soooo good! I am shocked they are only 150 calories). BUT I don't want to consume another 150 calories today. I am hoping I can fight off the craving for the next couple of hours before sleep takes me. We'll see.

Side note: I found that sit up thing I was talking about in Day 3. They are called Chin Dip Leg Raise Stations... odd name, right? I found one on Amazon for $119! I am buying it! I think this will be a great tool in helping get rid of my big belly without hurting my back in the process.

Salmon Recipe:

Salmon, Lemon Juice, Liquid Smoke (Mesquite flavor), Garlic Powder, and Salt and Pepper.

Preheat your oven to 375. On a cookie sheet lay out some foil, place your salmon in the center of the foil and roll up all sides of the foil so the lemon juice doesn't leak out. Salt and pepper your fish, saturate in lemon juice (don't be stingy with it). Generously sprinkle fish with garlic powder and give at least 7-10 drops of smoke across fish. Wrap completely in foil (use a separate sheet to cover the top if need be). Place in oven and cook for 30 minutes. After 30 minutes pull top sheet of foil off fish, place back in oven on Broil and cook for an additional 6 minutes. Let sit for five minutes and serve.

Balsamic Vinaigrette Recipe:

3 Table Spoons EV Olive Oil
1 Table Spoon Balsamic Vinegar (if you like it more acidic, which I do, add 1 1/2 table spoons)
About Half Table Spoon Soy Sauce
Half Table Spoon Honey Mustard or Brown Mustard
Pinch of Garlic
Half Table Spoon of Sugar (or sugar substitute, which is what I use)
Mix with Spoon until Blended Smooth.
Apply to salad or vegetables (note, it's even good on your "next day" salmon) :o)

Day 3 - Ok

Today was much better than yesterday! Once again, I did great with my eating. I wasn't even hungry to eat my pickle snack pack (this is good). I figure during the work week will be easy, I'm too busy to really think about eating. It's the weekend that will be the real test (lets hope I pass!).

I kicked butt on my workout tonight! I stretched before I did my 2 miles (wow, stretching before a workout really helps! Imagine that...) and the run didn't bother me like it did yesterday. Although, since my muscles weren't bothering me, I noticed something else that was. My back fat jiggles... a lot! It was really gross and it kind of hurt. So I do this thing while I run, (so as to take my mind off of running) I try to focus on something and zone into that. Like I will listen to my footsteps on the ground and get into a rhythm and run to it or the sound of my breathing. Tonight I ran to the rhythm of my back fat. "Step *jiggle* Step *jiggle* Step *jiggle*... it worked, I ran. After my run I came home and did some more stretching and then did crunches. I decided that I need to buy one of those stands that you lean on and lift your legs up and bring them to your chest. They have those at the gym and they are great for your abs without killing your back. The floor sit ups hurt my back way more than my abs. I will have to google it and check out prices.

I am going to a hockey game tomorrow after work so I am going to miss a day of exercise! Part of me is really happy about this, but the other part knows I am just going to have to pull double duty on Saturday (morning and night workout) and I am not too thrilled about that. The Ducks better win tomorrow night and make it all worth it!

Note: I am going to combine Day 4 and Day 5 into one entry, since I won't be home until late tomorrow night.

Day 2 - It's ONLY Day 2??

Day 1 was so much easier than this! I had no problem with my eating, I kept up the healthy choices (in fact I had an exact repeat of what I ate yesterday, expect for dinner I had rice, beans, and some sliced tomato). It is the exercise. I woke up this morning knowing that I did NOT want to work out. I was hoping that that would change at some point during the day, but it never did. I just wanted to come home from work, put my pajamas on and finish my book! BUT I was good. I fought the urge to be lazy (ONLY because of this blog. How embarrassing would that be to stop on Day 2? I can't do that!) and I worked out! It huuuurrrrrrt! Every step I took my muscles screamed in protest. I ended up doing 1.5 miles (but I ran most of it) and coming home and doing a LOT of stretching, which actually helped with my sore muscles, followed by some crunches. I thought exercising would come easier today, it so did not.

This is the whole point of me writing this blog, to force me to be good when I don't want to be. I need that push and I am glad that I decided to do this. Hopefully tomorrow I will have a better attitude about my workout than I did today (but probably not). :o)

Day 1 - Not too Shabby

There is a definite correlation between taking control of your life and feeling more confident. I have been in a great mood today. I am so excited to get back on track, the thought is actually elevating the everyday mundane into a promise of something great! It's been a good day...

Food:

I stuck to the healthy choices today (though I am not surprised by this, the 1st day is always the easiest). I had 3/4 cup of Special K for breakfast (this is a serving size... I ate it in a dessert bowl to make it look like I was eating more), I had a snack pack of pickles (did you know that pickles are empty calories, like watermelon is? I LOVE me a good pickle so this was an exciting discovery). For lunch I had a 300 calorie Lean Cuisine (these are definitely the way to go for lunch! They are delicious and filling AND they keep the calorie count down). For dinner I enjoyed a rather tasty salad. Life is Good.

Exercise:

Ah, my arch nemesis! I am NOT a fan of exercising (clearly as I am grossly over weight). However, it is a key ingredient for living a healthy life. I came home from work, threw my workouts clothes on (they've gotten tighter since the last time I've worn them) and leashed up the dog and went on a 2 mile walk/run. I know 2 miles isn't that far, but when you are as out of shape as I am, 2 miles is a lot. After I got home I did a few short stretches (I hate stretching!) and then proceeded to do 5 reps of 11 sit ups each rep (I wanted to do more, but man alive those hurt!).

It's only Day 1, My exercising time will get longer and more intense as I go (I need to work up to it people!).

And tomorrow I will do it all over again!

Awakening

I turned 28 years old about a month ago. To me, this is very old. Just looking at the number makes me sick to my stomach. People say that 28 should be in the "prime of your life" years, to me it is the beginning of the end. I buy old lady creme. I worry about wrinkles and getting the typical old lady hands. But the worst part is, I am 28 and am still fat.

I have always been fat. Even at 115 pounds, I am fat. It is just how I am built. I will never be that petite girl, that's not me. I am thick, solid. Of course right now I am not 115 pounds, I would much rather be fat at 115 pounds than fat at 257 pounds. That's right, I am 257 pounds and 52 inches around my fattest point on my stomach. It's disgusting. It's embarrassing. And yes, I am mortified to share my weight with the world, but I think being accountable to someone, anyone, will help me gain control and start the process of working towards having a healthy body.

Only a truly fat person will understand this, food is a drug. It is an emotional stability that will always be there for you, will always understand. I have had a love affair with food most of my life, but especially the last 10 years. I am 28 years old and I have never been in an adult relationship. And I have been ok with that, I've dated Taco Bell and Burger King. I've had an affair with the chocolate Cream pies from Marie Calendars. I've been content. I've been a fool.

This isn't the life I want for myself. This blog will be about changing my physical and emotional health. I don't expect it to be easy, but I am excited for it. I am ready for it.

Day 1 starts tomorrow. :o)